Day 26: Where you work

I'm addicted to employment. I've had a job since I was 16. I once took 8 months off because I was a full time student... and I went stir crazy. Even if the money is slight, I have to have something I get money from. When I moved to California, I applied to well over 100 jobs and didn't get anything. I applied to a Nanny job and was told I was over qualified. I got angry and told the woman that if there was anything else I wouldn't have applied. 3 years later I quit and she cried. Then I took 4 months off of nannying (working in senior care, worst. Idea. ever.) and returned for another 3 years. She cried too. Then I worked at a summer camp (Second worst. idea. ever) and then I found another nanny job. I work one day a week. There's 4 children. I honestly believe that nannying has allowed me to emotionally satisfy my need for children. Despite my fears that I wont love my children, despite really not liking children that much, I greatly enjoy my job. It's completely outside of chiropractic. It's competely outside of my house, my relationship, its completely removed and wonderful.

Day 25: favorite drink

Why have one? Let's have catagories of drinks:

1. My favorite guilty pleasure is Coke. I love coke. Cokey coke coke, here it goes down, down into my liver. Blech. I hate that I love coke. I'm taking a basic nutrition class and I've learned the pathway of fructose in the digestive tract and it is, in a word, abysmal. It bypasses normal sugar breakdown and goes straight to the liver, it steeply increases insulin which almost instantaneously converts the fructose to fat for energy storage. However, Costco sells what we call "Mexican Coke", which has regular sugar in it... and I feel mildly less guilty about that. 

2. My favorite "health" drink is water. I can't do kamboucha. I get that it's good for me, but I usually think its gross. Coconut water will actually make me gag. It's like it wants to be sweet, but it just can't get there. It wants to be salty, but it's not quite there. I am an anti-flourider. I think as long as we have enough magnesium, calcium, and other elements, flouride is an unnecessary risk. I also like iced tea, and if I feel like giving myself a dose of cancer, I'll occasionally drink starbucks, please reference the guilt factor of number 1.

3. My favorite alcoholic beverage is a Gimlet. If that's too fancy for where I am, I'll do a gin and tonic, if that's too fancy I'll put myself back in Smirnoff Ice territory and get a malibu and pineapple. Note* I do not drink Smirnoff Ice. 

4. This is a half-drink. Lately I've been drinking smoothies in th morning. Protein powder, coconut milk, peanutbutter, cocoa powder, frozen bananas and ice. It counts. It's liquid.

Day 24: Pole dancing

Pole Dancing; The good, The bad, and The shoes.

I am from a small town in South Carolina. My county, at least when I was in high school 10 years ago, ranked second highest in the US for teen pregnancy. We were also pretty famous for our STD statistics, no big deal.  Sex was happening. Sexuality, however, was not. Considering I moved from there when I was 18, this didn't really affect me too much. I went to the mountains and studied geology and soils. I graduated and moved to California to be with a boy. A few months after I moved here, my boyfriend insisted that I learn to shoot a gun. I was pretty freaked out by handguns, and I still am, but we went shotgun shooting at our local gun range. For the record, I'm a pretty good shot at Trap. There was a girl there, decked out in camouflage, knitting. I knew with that kind of juxtaposition we would be good friends; and we were. What do you get a girl like that for Christmas? Pole dancing classes. We went. It was awkward. Giggly even. And Thus begins The Good, The Bad, and The shoes.

The Good: We are not present in our bodies. We don't own sexuality, we don't own our movements, we don't own what we are capable of without using our words. In movement we can say "approach me" or we can say "bug off". We are taught mechanics of movement; walking, sitting, standing, running. Sometimes we learn a sport but we do not learn, usually, the art of conversation in movement. In this, pole dancing isn't unique. Dancing is conversational movement. However, pole dancing is a pretty specific conversation. So pole dancing has taught me to appreciate what I can do, and what I can present with my motions. Pole dancing is hard. It's basically one solid pull-up for however long the song you are dancing to is. Pole dancing, especially in practice (as opposed to performance) is a reminder to not take yourself too seriously. Much like other dance classes there are mirrors. You can watch your face scrunch up as you realize you are about to hit the ground hard. You can see how silly you look when you are learning something new; but you can also directly observe improvement. 

The bad: There's a stigma. Pole dancing is for strippers. Pole dancing is trashy. Pole dancing is a way to make money when you aren't smart enough to do anything else. People have asked me if I get naked in class. It sounds harsh, but I've heard it. Because people think pole dancers are trashy and stupid, they also assume it is easy. This, depending on your outlook, can be a major benefit. Watching people realize how hard it is their first time in class, is fun. I've been doing it on and off for 2 years, and I still can't do basic things. Pole dancing requires physical fitness; or at least the pursuit of it. You have to be willing to look dumb. You will look dumb, and just like most other things in life, it is unlikely you will be the most talented person in the room. General etiquette in class is that it's not about anyone else but you. I've been a number of times and have never felt like the "in the business" dancers were looking at me at all. 

The shoes: They are so lame. Some people wear shoes like that every day, on purpose, and aren't in the business of pole dancing. As I sit here with my orthopedic clogs, reveling in their comfort and ease of putting on, walking, taking off, I know I'm just not that kind of girl. I have one pair of kitten heels (less than 1.5 inches in height) that I can wear for a few hours, but that's about as far as I can take it. I can't walk in the platform stilettos. I can't really even put them on without being overwhelmed. But, here's a fun fact: the tops of the heels are usually plastic, or a really grippy material. Grippy shoes means less grippy arms and legs. This is a good thing. Metallic poles burn your skin if, say, you lack a little upper body strength and your forearms and calves slide. The shoes are a huge ego boost if you can't do a pull-up but you want to climb the pole. It's the equivalent to using stretch bands to assist on a pull-up bar. So, if you go, get shoes, don't put them on until absolutely necessary, use them for what they are good for, and then take them off. Or prance around in them with all of the grace and elegance that I lack. 

In conclusion, pole dancing is a non-traditional means of expressing self, working out, and testing your own limits. I know a handful of students who are amazing artists in pole dancing, aerial silks, and aerial hoops. If you have ever been curious, Atomic Allure, Twirly Girl, Phoenix Aerial Art and Pole are reputable places in the area, each one has their own focus though, so check out their websites and see which one fits you best. 

Day 23: The Weather

The weather is warm. No. It's hot as balls. No. It's actually hotter than balls. Currently its a cool 85 degrees, but for the past 4 days it has been over 95 degrees. Boo. Effin. Hiss. I am not a fan. I went to South Carolina and the weather was so perfect it felt like the air knew what temperature to be to convince me to be there. 

That was boring. Ok, so what I really wanted to say about weather is that it is a terrible crutch in conversation. I immediately lose a hair of respect for someone who starts to tell you about the weather once the conversation lulls. The weather should only be mentioned in passing when its been so monotonously beautiful that its grandeure is lost. 

So **cough cough** Weather:

The weather today (because this is a two parter blog about 2 weeks apart) is chilly. It's silly that we call it fall. It's 65 degrees with a high of 70, but we call it fall weather. The only difference is the days are shorter.

Day 22: You

I am a word vomiter. I enjoy nature, and music. I like cooking, only I hate cleaning it up, so in essence I enjoy making messes that sometimes taste good. I am notoriously outspoken. When it comes to writing I can mostly contain myself, but verbal or facial expression is absolutely unfiltered. It is really a pain. I am in school. I feel like I've been in school forever. I enjoy it and feel that this time, unlike all those other times before (only not really), will be different. I am afraid of death. I totter on whether God exists or not. Most of the time I find it easy to believe that God exists, I just have a difficult time discerning my own thoughts on the after life. I have to believe that something happens. Most of the time I can cast it aside; live now, think now. be now. But sometimes, usually at really inappropriate moments, the thoughts take over and I feel like I'm drowning. I am a planner. I like plans and I like people who follow plans. I don't exactly like being in charge, but someone must be in charge, and often I take on that responsibility. As a product, I often present myself as an "alpha female". I was taught there is an absolute wrong and right, but as time goes on I see more and more exceptions to that concept and I losing faith in the concept of right and wrong. I am not especially emotional. I feel things, I feel deeply, but its kind of like a million fish swimming in the deepest part of a lake; the surface just has tiny wisps of waves. I believe in self-preservation; I am not always good at the practice, but I do believe in it. Most of the time I love myself. I am swayed on this topic because part of me says "This is my temple, this is my home." But the other part of me says, "This is temporary, you are a soul you have a body." I am getting married. While this isn't always the case, today I feel like being married is the easiest thing I am doing... I would actually say that most days that is the hardest thing to do. I love/hate social media. It allows me to look at people I'd rather not talk to, but also exsposes me to horrible and sad things. I have one friend documenting the last year of her life and her meth addiction. Her recovery is beautiful, but the recollection of her struggle is awful. I also saw 3 complete strangers' memorial on facebook. One was a baby. I shouldn't care but I do. I think the exposure is supposed to make us not care, but oh how it shakes me. He'd just learned to master some very cute facial expressions. It broke my heart. I hate snakes. Down right hate. I am from South Carolina. I just visited and it was a lovely time. I love to travel, and only recently did I really start doing it a lot. I like reading. I like sitting and thinking. Sometimes I like talking to people, but my favorite people to talk to are people who don't talk often. It makes me feel special when people tell me their thoughts. I have been in love 3 times. I think positively about each of them. Unlike most people, my most genuine and fruitful friendships started in highschool. Those 2 girls are amazing, and always ready for a chit chat, despite the vast differences in our lives. 

Day 21: a limerick for the wee one

I stopped in to defecate on her adorned throne

She heard me pontificate and asked me for a bone

I let her know right off the bat that all she'd do is shame

She huffed and puffed, and kicked and spat-- said I'd done the same.

The witches said things might take this turn, but I had to take a chance

The blood that shares our veins might burn but I thought we'd overcome the can'ts. 

I returned to the pire and begged the witches for the cure

"courage is sold to the biggest buyer, make sure your intentions are pure.

Did you want her to take flight, for the sake of touching the sky?

Or did you want proof of your own fight? Looking down from your own throne up high?"

My mouth clamped shut, my heart thrummed in my chest

My thoughts were cut, to the little who's life needed the best.

Who's little heart was broken and trampled and beaten and forgotten

Who's life was damned and crumpled, and left begotten

I remembered where she came from, I remembered her sad little eyes

My heart was torn from where she could go to where she'd come, 

And I remembered that the good shephard, let us go our own way.

I remembered being on the cusp of a great flying bird, or becoming a wisp or fray. 

I'll never know what course of events, let me make my choice,

but the greater lesson in all that time spent, is that the time came and I gained a voice

I want to make her path go with mine, I want the common ground

But we are simply a divided vine, that was never really bound.