Are you familiar with the Dr. Suess quote, "A person is a person, no matter how small."? Lately the thing that comes to mind is, "Progress is progress, no matter how small."
The side note:
On Sunday I got engaged. I really wanted to be engaged. We've been together for 7.5 years. We've seen a lot of each other. I wanted it badly. And in true, cringe-worthy fashion: He didn't. I dropped out of Cal Poly in 2011. I was denied residency, and it was going to cost me another 53K to finish a master's that MIGHT get me 40k/year. About 8 months later I realized I wanted to get married. I realized I wasn't going any where. I didn't want to be with anyone else. I realized that what we had was special; he was always up for an adventure. We traveled so well together. But he didn't want it. The topic usually sent him into a nervous frenzy that more than once ended up in a knock down drag out argument. I did the harsh thing of setting a deadline. We would pass the timeline. I would resent him for missing a deadline he knew nothing about. I could blame him for a lot, but often times my frustration came from things he had no idea were happening.
I set the last deadline by accident. We were fighting and I threw it at him. I said, "Are you planning to propose to me in the next 6 weeks?!" And he said maybe. Maybe is a toxic word because it gives more hope to the hopeful, and more doubt to the doubting. I decided that this was it. So I marked the date. This time I told him about it. Did he make the deadline? No. But this time, he knew the clock was ticking.
This was my basic premise:"If you want to marry me, let's do it. If you don't, let me find someone who will give me what I want, because I deserve that happiness, and to have a family."
The weekend before the deadline, he found out that some loved ones, very close to him, were divorcing. At that point, I rescinded the deadline. He was hurting. I didn't do it in some pathetic way. I didn't shame it. I simply said, "This is bigger. Let's deal with this upset, but keep our own priorities in line." That was really hard. It was hard because his faith in marriage was in those two people. Was it immature and irrational? yes, but when its the only thing you've ever seen as a successful relationship, it's difficult to separate the two ideas.
So, a few weeks later I told him that it was still important to me. He said he knew, and that he was working on it. He seemed serious so I decided to drop it. I didn't really think about it.The quarter started, classes got hectic, and I let it go.
Our friends, previous companions of the infamous Vidal, invited us camping near Yosemite. I spent the entire weekend trying to convince them to go to Yosemite, just for a drive through view. I finally "convinced" them (they were totally in in it the whole time), and we went to the park. To our surprise there was a fire in the Valley, so we went up to Olmsted point. We'd been there the first summer we dated, then the second, third, and fifth year we dated. I'll never forget the first time I saw it. I actually gasped. Every time I see it I feel like I'm losing my breath. I got out of the car and walked over to the ledge, looking out over the granite landscape. He came up behind me. He was shaking! I told him it wasn't cold, and to stop shaking. He said, "We've been on so many adventures together.Will you promise to go on adventures with me for the rest of our lives?" At this point I was confused. I kind of nodded like, "sure..." But then he got on one knee with a ring. I believe I asked he was serious, and then I said yes before he finished the question.
So, I have no idea what the plan is. Brian has requested a minimum of 7 days of engagement bliss. But, I know that this is pretty much perfect. I'm very excited to start navigating the spiritual aspect of marriage, and want to prepare to be the best Wife I can be. If you know of any texts that could be helpful, let me know!
Thanks for divulging me. I'll keep it to creative writing for a while. :)
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