The economics of lying to yourself.

There is a point (which I have reached) at which you realize that your life cannot infinitely go on as it is. Well, regardless to the changes you make in life, your life can't go on infinitely. It is nearing the 2nd anniversary of my Grandmother's death. This is unremarkable. I don't feel the pain that I felt last year, or certainly the year before but what I feel now is much like that time I almost died at Turtle back falls: Life has swept me up in its current. To a certain degree I feel in charge of the direction I am headed in, but the closer and closer I get to the end of my academic career, the more I sway and hesitate. It is not a pause in skepticism, or lack of will, it is encompassingly curious as to whether I am good enough. 

Frankly, my life is out of control. I am in class all day every day. I sit in a chair amongst peers and read facebook. I am not being enriched, I am not swelling with knowledge of innate, I am wallowing in social media and paying 200K to do so. I am preparing to take my first boards exam in September and I have put so much time into studying and am walking away with nothing. I haven't had a day off in 19 days. Most nights in the past 19 days I haven't gotten home before 9:30. And on the nights that I do skip class or manage to have "nothing to do" I have to do laundry or study for, you know...CLASS. 

So all of this culminates into a terrible storm of chaos that has sent me into a fairly intense anxiety ridden 1/3 life crisis. I have developed a crazy fear that I am dying. I am healthy. I have no pain, but every tweak and pop has me convinced that I am in my final moments. My waking reflection is one of fear and rebellion. This may stem from a dream I had last week. I dreamt  that I was driving and I was  on an onramp that suddenly became a pedestrian walkway. My back tire was hanging off of the walkway, and we all know that physics would prevent a car from falling off of anything if one out of four tires was off a clif. Regardless I began to fall, and unlike every other dream I've ever had, I died. I felt myself die.