Anywho, tonight's topic is... sensitive. It seems like this comes up in my life every so often. I suppose I should count my blessings that it doesn't come around more often. Tonight I'd like to explore suicide. Specifically, suicide of teens.
When I was in high school my friend's sister committed suicide. We weren't especially close. I remember her sister as being this TINY little thing with beautiful brown hair. She always wore black and rarely smiled. You see? Right there. Right there I thought, "Well plenty of teenagers don't smile."
I went to highschool in the hay day of Emo music and fashion; side swooped bangs and Something Corporate. I listened to Dashboard Confessional like it was my religion and I slammed my fists on steering wheels while blaming God for all that was wrong in my life. Read as: I was a fair-weathered emo kid. I wasn't allowed to have a crazy haircut, but I did have the oh-so-trendy side bangs (still do... is that a problem?). I wasn't allowed to wear all black, though I always admired its slimming effects. I had plenty of friends who went full on emo kid. But I remember thinking when I found out she'd killed herself, "Wow. She must have been really sad."
And that statement is the Crux.
You see, I have never wanted to kill myself. I have thought I was going to die. I have almost died. But I have never wanted to die. Up until very recently, I thought all people who committed suicide wanted to die. But in recent months, I have developed another theory. This theory, for the sake of limiting hormonal causes, excludes those on anti-depressants or those with addiction issues. First, we have to cut out the idea that suicide is easy. Suicide isn't the easy way out. Anyone who puts thought into killing themselves must immediately realize the amount of planning it takes, and must admit that the only feasible option is to end it. How difficult it must be to wager that death is better than tomorrow. How painful to think whatever the present situation; it cannot improve.
So, my theory is that you don't have to be really sad to commit suicide. You simply have to be out of perceived options.
A few weeks ago I saw that my friend had resumed facebook activity for her younger cousin. I didn't think anything of it at first, but then I noticed the content of the updates and they were definitely about her attempted suicide. The remarkable thing about the two suicides I've referenced tonight is that both girls had loving families. Both girls were particularly beautiful. And both of them were incredibly self-critical. I'm talking, talented, beautiful, smart, and mostly outgoing girls. These girls had friends. They were both, sadly, bullied.
I hate that bullying is the common denominator. My knee jerk asshole response is, "Those girls need a backbone!" But what those girls needed was someone to show them that high school is completely useless for social interaction. The first two years of high school for me were awful. I constantly felt like the third wheel, and there was a group of girls who were so incredibly mean. I was raised by my father who simply told me to punch them. I never did. I took it like a coward. Remember the "It Get's Better" campaign? That needs an expansion and revitalisation. I want to go back to my high school and shake the students. I want to scream at them that high school is irrelevant and that there's a whole world waiting for them.
So my message tonight is this. If you are contemplating hurting yourself, please ask for help. Message me. I'm pretty damn good at finding low cost counselors. At the very least I'll talk to you for a bit. If you have the availability to speak to teenagers, tell them to pay their dues in high school and as soon as they are able, to go out and set the world on fire.
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